nothing fills me

alcohol, nicotine, food

everything is always changing

my health, scenery, and mood

I feel so numb it hurts

I’m speaking without words

I starve, I binge, I purge

I’m living in my head

as life moves slowly around me

I disassociate more than speak

most times I think I’m crazy

I’m drowning with no lifeboat

suffocating with no oxygen mask

screaming with no sound

crying with no tears

puking up the rage

drinking down the anxiety

running, but I’m standing still

reaching, but forever out of touch

I don’t want happiness

I don’t want money

I don’t want luck

I want freedom

I want peace

I want love

I want to be held

I want to be free

I don’t want to smile

I don’t want to be pretty

don’t look at my body

don’t look at my face

don’t guess things about me

don’t ask me my taste

I want to sleep

why am I so restless?

I want to forget

why can’t I remember?

I want to disappear

forget about me

I can love you still,

but cease to be